A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and your not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer replied. “I’m one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule.”

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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Read the rest of this entry »

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked ”How much is 2 plus 2?”

The housewife replies: ”Four!”

The accountant says: ”I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, ”How much do you want it to be?”

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
“Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.
“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $200 to answer three questions!”
“Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”

Lawyer: Where were you when the rape happened?

Witness: In the cornfields.

Lawyer: What were you doing there?

Witness: Taking a shit.

Lawyer: How many steps were you from the crime scene?

Witness: I don’t know… I don’t walk while shitting.