A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple
in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, slowly kisses
her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is
an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time
in jail, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do what he tells
you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This
guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find
it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too.”

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. “Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!” he whined.

“You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!” Oh my gaaad…”, replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was,

“Where’s my Rolex?!!!!!”

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.