A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?” Read the rest of this joke »

A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate the wife’s birthday. While they were getting ready, the husband put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shot back into the house.

Not wanting their cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, “Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

“What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good,” said the teacher. Read the rest of this joke »

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’