A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him.

“Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?” he replied. “And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “yes, I remember. So?”

“Well…I would have gotten out today!”

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.  She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.  She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph. She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?” The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”

She asks, “What’s that?”  The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph… “I’ve got the airbag!”

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, “Hey my friend, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”

The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars.”

“That’s not bad at all…!”

“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-thousand, tax-free to boot.”

“Well, that’s great! I’d like that.”

Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.”

“So why are so glum?”

“This week - nothing!”

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple
in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, slowly kisses
her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is
an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time
in jail, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do what he tells
you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This
guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find
it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too.”